Week 5:

My last week of OJT. Things are going to change this coming week onwards. First we have I am no longer under study and I will have to function as a real duty medic. No mistakes to be made or i will be dealt with accordingly by the book. Second, our new senior medic Staff Patrick will be officially joining us and this means more regimentations and restrictions, stricter rules and guidelines to follow. Thirdly, IQA on tuesday would more or less prove miserably deadly due to the medical ctr's incapability to do function up to standards. As far as I am concern, the storeroom is in a mess; docu dept's dockets not updated, piles of unfiled memos, MCs, FFI forms, etc ; treatment room also in a mess; everywhere in a mess; some seniors gave up hope; and on and on and on. I think we will fail miserably for the coming IQA which means our senior medic will give us more hell.

Anyway I felt quite depress for the past 3 days after i came back from outfield. This feeling was never felt ever since JC days when I encountered some "power struggle" in my CCA. I somehow feel that I am useless in the medical centre as compared to the other 3 new medics (ah fu and the 2 new specs). This is because the other 3 medics are succeeding 3 of the 5 ORDing medics as department ICs - sickbay/ambulance, MOPA & Training. As for me, i am succeeding nobody i guess. I am in no department. At least thats what i felt. Every now and then, i witness the 3 old ICs passing on their knowledge, skills and responsibilities to the 3 new medics such that they are ready to take over the significant "torch". As for me, I only sat in for a few PA sessions with one or two senior MOPAs and thats it. I was not taught as much area of speciality as the other 3 medics. My new role in the medical centre is a permanent MOPA and thats it. Hence as i see the 3 new medics helping up in the IQA while me stranded alone not knowing what to do, it kind of got back to me on what is my purpose and worth in the medical ctr. Furthermore, my rank is the lowest in the medical ctr and that puts me in an even more insignificant spot. Perhaps it is self-paranoia, perhaps it is self-worthless, perhaps it is self-discrimination. Perhaps the rest did not view me as what i viewed myself. I am just trying to act normal as far as i can. Had a short chat with the medical ctr clerk during friday's lunch. I asked him whether it is a blessing not to have any responsibilites or have minimal responsibility in the medical ctr or in the SAF context. The answer given by him was "yes" and that really made me reflect on all my past paranoia experienced. Perhaps it is really a blessing for me not to have any huge responsibilites compared to the 3 new medics.

Another thing, i have to clear my IPPT by mid nov where according to an email sent to the MO, i am due for promotion. I personally feel incapable of clearing my IPPT due to my lack of skills and performances in the SBJ station. I just cannot jump. I guess that will jeopardize my promotion chance for the 1.75 yrs to come. And also, in such a short period of time, i am unable to train till i can pass nor can i book a schedule date to do my IPPT. I guess i am destined to remain a chao private.

Anyway, outfield on monday was terrible. I shd say it was on tuesday. Woke up at 3am just to report on time at 3.30am. Was transported to pasir laba camp where we took a long winding track to some mosquitoes infested area. Basically spent 2 days feeding mosquitoes. No amount of coils can help. Went back shagged. Infact alot of us medics were involved in outfield cover on week 5. But when i saw the condition of returning Jeremy, i felt so lucky. His whole back and thigh was manifested by red mosquitoes bites like small pox or something. Disgusting. I hate outfield covers.

Nonetheless, this coming monday, i am going to function alone as a MOPA. Working together with the MO proves challenging but i am determine to strive hard. I will work hard and learn from experience as fast as i can to upgrade myself in terms of experience and performance to be an outstanding PA in the medical ctr. I do not want to let the MO feel fustrated by my incapability. That is, i guess, the only way to match up with the other 3 new medics in terms of worth in the medical ctr. Haha. Yes, i am determined !!! I shall be a good and useful PA to the MO !!!