FADING INTO OBSCURITY...

I have thought it rather thoroughly these few weeks....i think that its useless for me to rebel or fight back or wadsoeva....since i m born to b a nobody, i shall continue to b a nobody....i am destinated not to make it big....not in school...not in my cca....i think i shd b happy enuff to hav at least a small post in EXCO.....i remembered in my sec sch when i almost got to b video head in MC.....at least i tot i can make it...but alas...i m banished back to become a commoner....in JC...i tot i stand high chance in bcoming the pres or VP...but nv had i expected that e teacher decide to giv a twist n let "less deserving" pple take e role...juz bcoz they want them to b more involved in cca....yes, now they r more involved...i dun see my need anymore in e club...i shd juz b my commoner that i used to b.....

Of all periods of e whole yr i am born to b a Leo....Leos are suppose to b gd leaders, they enjoy attention n power...but i dun hav any....i am juz a typical leo that wants to hav some power, some say...but since i m not given e chance to hav any, i think i shd juz resort to my fate....it all boils down to e word "jealousy"...yes, i admit i am jealous, i am jealous at others' achievements, their high rank n position, the power n command they hav, their gd results...everytime i try to convince myself that i m juz jealous and i shd juz get away wif it....but i juz fail over n over again....how i wish there arent any jealousy in this world, they at least i wont feel so upset, so pissed off....

My CCA teacher once say that he hopes all e EXCO will get e CCA award at e end of next yr....but criteria being, each of us must organise an event....my pres n vp has alreadi organised investiture, my PM wants to organise AVA camp next yr....they want to let me organise some video workshop or stuff...but thinking of it, i think i would decline e offer...yes, i'm stupid, but once i feel like putting everything down, i will put everything down...i hope to feel that i will b happy enuff to b amongst e audience n clap n applause for e other 3 of my exco when they receive their cca award next yr....i want to hav it, but on the other hand, i feel that i m not deserving enuff....i m trying hard to convince myself that its juz an award, no big deal...but again, as a typical leo i am, its fame n recognition that i desire....yet i feel i shd juz let it brush pass....i m so confused...

A few days ago...i m still full of passion to make it big...but few days later today...i think that i shd juz b contended wif wad i hav now. Me n FPE went to look for wendy koh, alpha list teacher incharge, to show our great interest in organising open hse...reason....i want to hav somehting nice to b written in my testimonial...furthermore, we alpha list students r suppose to organise something....but she refered us to Lim Kim Thye, council teacher incharge....on that thought, i was like...perhaps i shd juz giv up....coz this will mean councilors will b incharge instead....i dunno yet...perhaps i may approach him on mon (i gav e excuse not to look for him today bcoz i haven cut my hair)...coz gd leaders take initiative....and i want to b e one taking initiative, come forward n lend my service...i dunno...perhaps i am not fit to do so...different thoughts r fighting inside me...if i successfully get to organise open hse...then i hav high chance of getting cca award...but on e other hand...it seems mission possible, and i am always not fated wif cca awards...

At the end of e day, i want to ask myself, wad hav i done for e past 2 yrs in college...e answer may be "yes, i played an active role of a student, i organise this this that that, and for my cca, i do this this that that..." or e answer may be "nothing much, i spend my 2 yrs without any remarkable acheievements..." I hope its not e latter. But again, since when am i fit enuff to hav e first answer. I am very self-doubtful...i am skeptical bout my own capabilities....i dunno if i m able to do it...but for sure one thing...i want to do it...i think i m a failure....after weeks of "rebeling" against my pres n vp, i think its rather childish...i mean, come on, cmh, get a life, get on wif life, stop being e childish immature cmh u used to b....but e problem is...i m that immature childish cmh...if not i will not b called cmh...haha....I may not b able to outshine e rest in terms of leadership, fame, cca achievements, etc...but i hope i can at least shine a little wif my academic...in e end of e day...its still grades that plays a more significant role....i will try to continue convincing myself that recognition in terms of cca, leadership, wadsoeva r not impt to ME....I am a failure....I am fading into obscurity....but then....its my decision.....i hav no one to blame....

PS: hope i wont get spammed after this entry....